Memories of Summer

Act 7 : Regrets

Why do you hate her?

I…

Truthfully, I don't.

I don’t hate her.

I can't hate her. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I do. I just can't get myself to hate her.

I hate myself. Mostly I'm scared. Confused. Guilty. And hurt.

Scared of what?

Scared that she'll leave me. Scared that I'll just wake up one day that she's gone.

I mean, it happened before. It could happen again, right? And it did.

That crazy bitch… she wants to kill me. It seems that everyday she has to do something crazy to give me a heart attack. Why don't she just stab me with a knife and watch me bleed?  Wow. That sounded so emo. Sorry.

There's this one time, I thought we were doing great and she hasn’t acted up for a while.

We were watching a movie, sitting on her couch. After twelve bags of chips and a case of Pepsi I finally gathered the strength to tell her.

"I… I really really like you. Knowing you for the past few months has been… a whirlwind. But… I am very happy whenever I'm with you and…" she cut me off with a hug. I was surprised. She looked really happy. It was one of my best memories with her.

 I slept over at her house, cuddling her. I felt that, man this should be something real now… We were getting somewhere…. Oh god was I wrong. The very next day, I woke up without her. She left a note on the table which simply said "Goodbye, Summer". Up to now, I still have no fucking clue as to why. The only explanation that I could think of is that she is mental.

I looked for her. I searched the whole apartment. Opened her closet in the hopes that she might be there hiding, waiting to surprise me and give me a heart attack just like the other times. But she was nowhere to be found. I asked everyone in the building. I even tried asking to her cat Yoseob. God, I must have looked crazy.

I found her at the rooftop. That crazy woman was about to jump. I don’t even…. Aishh..

Did she jump?

No. She fainted. I told you she has fainting spells often right? I was thankful that she fainted or else I wouldn’t know how to glue her together in case she really jumped. I carried back to her unit and she was unconscious for days. And somehow I woke her up... yeah I told you about that, didn’t I?

Apparently she is not a fan of fairy tales, specifically Sleeping Beauty.  That crazy woman didn’t even thank me for saving her life. Rather, I heard a whole lot of the get-the-hell-away-from-me-you-pervert crap. So, being the all confused and abused person that I was, I chose the most logical option for my badly deflated ego. Get some beer and call my ex who was a hell lot less crazy than that beautiful psycho who drove me away.

I regret doing that.

Victoria, despite all that has happened to us before, has always been very patronizing. It’s not like we parted on a sour note anyway. We both tried a long time ago. We did our parts. It just didn’t work. We remained good friends. Got over it― something I deem would be next to impossible in Summer’s case. But hey, that’s why I’m here.

Anyway, I called Victoria and she came over. We didn’t do anything really, just watched a couple of movies and ranted about certain inconsiderate people….who just hurl into my life and make it an utter mess…and send me away when they want to…and basically be a total bitch to me… all the while still looking like an angel… making me want them back all the more.

….

…

…

And I did want her back then. Well technically, I wanted her to want me back, coz she’s the one who was sending me away. But you get the point… I didn’t really wanna get back with Victoria. But she didn’t know that. As luck would have it, she was there right on my front door holding a soccer ball when Victoria gave me a comforting hug. And like some stupid drama series, she stood there frozen and dropped the ball before running away with tears in her eyes, as if I betrayed her or something. But hey, technically, I wouldn’t have been betraying her then. She sent me away.

But yeah. I felt like shit that instant. It hurt really badly. About half as bad as the last time I saw her at the coffee shop.

The last time you saw her at the coffee shop, what happened?

It was a week ago. I was looking for her. Bitch went missing again. And it’s not like her regular disappearing act. She was gone. Literally gone, like no trace of her left. I checked her apartment, she wasn’t there. Yoseob wasn’t there. Nothing.

Then I was in the old coffee shop again, hoping that she’d magically walk in through that door again, back into my life. My coffee was cold. I just sat there. Waiting and waiting. Hoping she’d come. And she did. She just did.

It was just like the first time. She walked through that door, looking as perfect as ever. With that smile and brown sparkling eyes.  Just like the first time.

Just like the first time. Except that it wasn’t. She walked right past through me as if I was air. As if she didn’t know me, and it cut me like a knife.

I know I have been an asshole for constantly ignoring her for a month before that. She was the one begging me then. Begging me to take her back. To take her away but I didn’t. It was all my fault. I never thought that having a taste of my own medicine would be that bad. I deserved it.  Maybe she disappeared coz she thought I didn’t want her in my life. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

But I couldn’t do anything but sit there, slack jawed and heart broken. She probably realized she was better off with the other guy. I wished that I fought for her but it was too late. And I didn’t even realize it.

Maybe I should’ve listened to her.