Ontogeny
There has been no improvement to her case. That much, Sooyoung was pretty sure of. It sure felt like it. As a consolation, she found company in the person of the boy who, if nothing else, eased the burden of living. Almost all of her hair had fallen out and Changmin’s pleading for her to eat was barely helping her frail body. The boy has stayed in the bunk next to hers for the past months and they were inseparable like a pair of shoes. Mostly because Sooyoung never went anywhere anyway and Changmin wasn’t used to going outside either. They breezed the days away by telling each other stories of their childhoods both distant and almost non-existent.
It was January winter when Sooyoung’s spleen gave out. Medically speaking, it wasn’t that much big of a deal because it was just like an appendix―you can live without it―but Changmin himself was more than eager to donate for her. You need it more than I do. That was what he told her and again for the third time, he extended her life with his own.
His stitches healed faster than hers and in a few weeks time he was able to get out of his bed without the aid of a nurse. The first footsteps he made were towards Sooyoung’s bed on her fifteenth birthday. He had nothing else to give so his gift was a kiss, a peck on the lips as gentle as his voice and as warm as the sun that greeted them on early spring.
That year, Sooyoung didn’t need any more transplants.
Her sixteenth birthday gift was pretty much the same but Sooyoung liked it. She spent the past year anticipating it while laughing at Changmin’s cold jokes in between. Time passed quickly and seeing her everyday was like watching a video progression in fast forward.
The sparse hair has been growing back and it now reached her jaw line, framing her face chocolate brown. Her cheeks were still hollow but there was considerably more life to her than the gaunt girl Changmin met in the dull hospital room two years ago. More than ever, hopes were high that she’ll one day be able to win over her sickness. Even Siwon in the seminary called more often. Their father still seldom visits but he was a lot happier looking than before. He once mentioned about a certain Ms. Kwon who was a good friend of his that will visit Sooyoung one of these days. His daughter wasn’t paying much attention though because her eyes and ears were on her friend who was sitting on the other bed.
Changmin still loved looking outside the clear glass window. He promised her that once she was strong enough, they will walk outside and enjoy the sun and the smell of flowers instead of just admiring it through the windowpane. It was a nice thought to look forward to. In return, she promised to show him downtown since he never went anywhere else aside from the hospital and the institution he came from.
Their friendship grew so naturally through the years. It was pure and mutual, as pristine as the white lab gown that Sooyoung wore the first time she was allowed to step outside of the hospital building since she was signed in. Changmin pushed her wheelchair as they both marveled at the beauty of a world that was denied to them for years. If freedom smelled like anything, it would smell of freshly cut grass and garden blooms. It smelled sweet and zesty.
It was one autumn morning when Sooyoung woke up and realized what this boy, this boy who figuratively and literally gave her half of his life, meant to her. Changmin, on the other hand, did not know what word was appropriate for it. It was never taught in the institution for it didn’t belong with proper hygiene, nutrition and health care. But if he knew a word to describe the way Sooyoung felt on that particular morning, it was the same word that he would have used to describe how he felt from the moment he laid eyes on her.
When other girls come of age, they had parties. They had eighteen roses, eighteen candles and eighteen gifts. When Sooyoung came of age she did not receive any of these. No grand ball, no masquerade, no cotillion to celebrate her induction to the society. Instead, what she considered as the best gift was her brother who she has not seen in four years finally returning from the seminary.
It was a timely reunion because that day, their father also announced that he will be marrying again. They will have a stepmother in the person of Kwon Yeseul, his business partner.
It didn’t come as a surprise to Sooyoung for every time her father mentioned Yeseul’s name, she can see the look in his eyes that was the same she saw in Changmin’s every time he looked at her. It was full of joy and deep affection. She was happy for her father but her brother seemed not to share the sentiment.
Siwon, although he did not voice it, disapproves of the idea of having a new mother. He also wasn’t pleased when he learned about SK2XX-032993.
SK2XX-032993 or Jinri, as Siwon named her, was the second spare bought for Sooyoung’s eighteenth birthday. She was a bright eyed girl who was obviously younger than Sooyoung herself. She would take Changmin’s position as a spare, as soon as Sooyoung was released from the hospital. According to the doctors she only needed to stay a month or two. When that happens, Changmin would be stocked. Sooyoung would move back to their house with Jinri.
“They are people too!” Siwon argued, his voice a few tones higher than it should have been, considering that it was his father that he was speaking to.
“They are spares, son.” That was all their father would say every time Siwon brought up the subject. It was clear to him that there was a definite line that separates them from spares that were made, not born, in institutions, raised in controlled environment to be given up for their sole purpose one day. He had no time to ponder silly thoughts like them having souls just like himself as Siwon preached. To him, his daughter’s needs come first. What Sooyoung needed, he believed, was a lifetime donor and that is what he will give her. He did not slave away all those years to lose his child to disease the way he lost their mother dismal years ago.
Sooyoung and Changmin were both oblivious to this debate. All they knew was another bunk bed was set up perpendicular to theirs. Sooyoung had another bracelet on her arm that came along with it. Their new roommate wasn’t as lively as Changmin was when he arrived. If Siwon saw light and truth in her eyes (thus the name Jinri), Sooyoung only saw fear and dread looming in them.
Fear, even without knowing the direct cause, rubs off easily especially within four walls of confinement.
“When I’m all well, let’s all go on a trip by the sea,” Sooyoung beamed. Only a ghost of her sickness can be seen in her pleasant face. She was not exactly healthy looking but she was far from her skeletal days that was all of her puberty. Changmin on the other hand was no longer lanky. He was tall but there was enough muscles on his bones to not make him a walking stick. Sixteen years of constant lecture at the institution was not rendered useless. Although he has grown over a foot since he first arrived, his face remained exactly the same. His warm smile never wore off.
“What’s the use of wishful thinking?” Jinri spoke for the first time. “We are just spares. Don’t you get that?” The invisible furrows on her forehead appeared on Sooyoung instead. Her voice was seemingly calm and detached; a weird juxtaposition to her moist eyes that mirrored both exasperation and defeat.
Sooyoung did not understand. All those years, the concept of a spare has somehow escaped her. Changmin donated bone marrow and two other organs to her. He stayed by her side throughout the agonizing ordeals that the doctors called treatment. What was more to that in being a spare? To her, he was a hero. He was a friend. He was family. He was a reason to live through this nightmare that was her life. She could not fathom the implications of the word, both to Changmin and their friendship.
Like all fundamental lessons that you escaped for a long time, the answers they didn’t want to know came to them without warning, one cold April morning. Papers. A thick staple of papers arrived along with breakfast.
…for the release of Choi Sooyoung….
… SK3XY-021888…. to be stocked…
They did not understand. But somehow they knew what to do.
The next morning, the hospital woke up to three empty beds and a parent silently sobbing for a battle he had won but lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment