Rumour Has It

Rumour has it she ain't got your love anymore

"I hate it. I hate him!" she says as she throws her phone to the other side of the room.

"Yoboseyo? Unnie?.." I faintly heard Chaerin's voice as the pink phone flew in the air. But the poor gadget died as it hit the wall and crashed into pieces on the floor.

"Is that 'I'm fucking sore and jealous' in the female language?" ok, that earned me a smack right on the head. No biggie, she hits like a girl. Well she is a girl. An attractive one at that. But yeah, a psycho― like any other girl.

"Kwon Jiyong, can you for once stop being an asshole?" Her eyes burned, man. I tell you, they burn.

Rumour has it that Lee Dickhead Minho is dating the famous dance prodigy Gong Minji. Fucking pedo, dude. I mean, she's like twelve. Ok, maybe fifteen or something but still. It was all the buzz since that kid is like gold and pure while Minho is like the old ahjjushi who tainted her virginal public image. Cool.

And here is my stupid roommate Park Sandara (which by the way is freaking weird name in my opinion) reeking butthurt all over the living room. She has been obsessed with that guy since stone henge was built and he just'won't take a hint'. Not that she's any discreet about her stalking …err… feelings. She has been sending that tard bento boxes for one year straight and all the right and scary i-fucking-like-you-no-I'm-obsessed-with-you signals. She thinks he is just shy too come up to her and confess. I say he's just not interested.

"Hey, what's with the whole name? Calm yo tits, baby" I ruffled her hair as she wiped her eyes and nose (gross stuff… but she was cute doing it).

She looked up and attacked me with a pillow.

"Youch~~ what was that for?" I rubbed my arm, pretending to be hurt. I have to make her feel better , you know.

"The hell are you talking about my boobs for? Jiyong I will cut you with a butter knife if you don't stop it!" she leaps like a frog to the couch, face first, buried herself among the huge pillows and cried. I heard her huge dorky glasses’ frame crack. Youch~ that’s gotta hurt on her face. But she was too damn wallowing in her heartbroken misery to actually feel physical pain on her damn face. Who would’ve thought stupidity works as an anesthesia too?

Aishh.. What can I do? Wear a Minhomask and prance around like a moron to make her smile? Cut the bastard's balls and send it to her via fedex? Why do I even …. Tsss..

First of all, she is a birdbrain. I mean come on…. Come on. Really now? Why on earth did she even agree to introduce the kid to him? It has always been obvious that pedobear has the hots for younger girls ―and by young I mean illegal. Dara on the other hand is way out of his range ―and by that I meant that she's too old for his taste. But she ages well I tell you. By the way she looks, you'd think that she's 18 or something. By the way she acts about 15―oh my Lord, did she just wipe her nose with her sleeve?― ok I take that back, 12.

Ok. Maybe I was being a little of a jerk when I said that she was a birdbrain. The guy did give her some come-get-me hints. He does text when he needs her and add a little skinship, just enough to make her think that maybe he likes her too…. Like you know, putting his arms around her shoulders or hugging her once in a while when he is asking her some herculean favor, like say, take his dog out for a walk and be practically his slave for free. Freeloader you say? I thought so.

 As her unofficial bestfriend and clown it’s my job to divert her attention. I mean, I can’t stand her bawling and all. She wails like her dog died or something. She needs to shut the hell up. I need my peace and quiet too.

“Hey, you wanna watch a movie? I heard Breaking Dawn is great. Uh… That dog guy rips his shirt in the first thirty seconds of the movie and stuff…  And there’s nothing really on the cinemas but that, so yeah… what do you say?”

“It’s Jacob, you ignorant ass. And he is a wolf, not a dog” If I were a steak, I'd be beyond well done by now. Her eyes burnt a hole on my head.

"I’m trying, ok? It’s not my fault that I don’t really dig stories made for prepubescent girls to fap on, and you happen to be a big fan of that dog… err… wolf guy. It’s the thought that counts. Maybe I deserve some credit here." In a perfect world where she wouldn’t bash my head in with a pan, I would’ve said that.

“Yeah, my bad. Wolf. Anyway, let’s go?” I pulled her out of the giant pillows and headed for the nearest cinema.

The movie wasn’t that bad. I mean it had cool special effects and all...

Ok. Fine. I liked the sex scenes. You got me. But dude, that was some mad shit. They ripped the fucking room apart. I don’t even remember anything else in the movie.

But yeah, it was kinda awkward watching with her... No. I’m not having inappropriate thoughts of her right now. Shut up. Don’t get me wrong. It’s some intense sensual scene and she was right there beside me. It’s not easy NOT to see her face instead of that Bella girl who seemed to have had a stroke. Man, that girl's face was more frigid than a statue. She had this constipated face all throughout the goddamned movie, I had to take a break and look at Dara’s silly expressions or my eyes will strain.  Thank heavens the movie was over before her deadpan face rubbed off on anyone.

But I'm sorta thankful to that movie. She was all smiles after, talking about the next installation of it. Oh there's another one? Cool. I hope there'd be more babymonster-making scenes. Bite me.  I would've rolled my eyes but I don't piss her off in her “I love Jacob Black" moment.

We got out of the cinema, and guess who we saw. Guess who we saw.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt with their international kiddos?― Enk! Wrong answer. Try again.

Barrack Obama riding on a white caterpillar?― Enk! Not that. But that would be kinda cool.

Lee McDouchebag Minho and his statutory rape victim Minji? ―Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

 Bingo!

And I don’t even have to tell you how my darling roomie reacted seeing them. Yeah, she totally flipped man. She was gonna run the hell outta the cinema. Good thing we didn’t have popcorn anymore. I bet that would end up flying in the air before she makes her grand exit. It ain't cool, bro.

 I yanked her back before she could go run amok. I don't want to clean blood all over the place dude. Not cool. Of course she tried to resist me and run like a sissy, but nope. Can't do. Ain’t gonna let that happen. Take it like a man, bro. Although yeah, she's a girl. But you get my drift. She can't just fucking scoot every time she sees them.

And she can’t run now, Minho's waving at us. He doesn’t look happy. But he has spotted us, and for some reason, wants us over. His little date seems like she'd cut a bitch too. A bitch by the name of Lee Jackass Minho. She's giving him the look. You know,the look? The one a girl gives his slave slash boyfriend when things aren't going her way. Yes! That look. I think it's the female specie's way of saying "I'm gonna fucking rip your balls off and feed your prostate to the dogs." I always get the look from Dara and I'm proud to say that my family jewels are still intact up to date.

Dara was squirming like a mosquito larva from my choke hold. Yeah, we looked pretty retarded. I waved back at McDouchebag  and pointed to my roommie who was suffocating in my arm. Oopsie. I let her off when Minho and Minji were right infront of us.

“So what the fuck is this? I don’t have time for this shit.” Woah… little Minji’s mouth isn’t as innocent as I’ve thought. She crossed her arms and shot laser beams from her eyes.

“See, Minji… You can’t break up with me.” I swear Minho looks like a total dick. With all those hand gestures as if he’s some mime.  And dude, who wears a damn suit in the cinema? Is he filming some cheesy tv series? I don’t care if he is a freaking CEO of some bullshit company. Dude, this is the cinema and not your office.

He pulled Dara from my side, grabbed her by her shoulders and gave a smile.

“You see Gong Minji, you can’t break up with me becauseI am breaking up with you. I like Dara more than you. You are so childish.” Because she freaking IS a child, you douche. I used to think only women used this break-up line. Oh, I forgot. You are Lee McAsshole who just can’t get over himself.

But I can tell by Dara’s face that life has escaped her body when he said that he liked her.  The fuuuuuck??? What the actual fuck? Don’t tell me she’d fall for this dirt cheap trick. He’d probably just tell her it’s some sick joke later, if she is lucky. But if he is being the dickhead that he is, maybe he’d actually date her a few times before calling it quits.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, maybe watching Breaking Dawn gave me a metaphorical concussion, but something pushed me to take Dara back from the jackass in a suit. He gave me a puzzled look. Well, more like a the-fuck-are-you-doing look. Dude, I told you. I don’t know either. Tell me.

Dara looked confused as well. I mean, I don’t really go between her and Minho in aregular basis. I usually just let her do her own thing and then tell her what an idiot she is when she goes home crying again. But this time is different.

“Excuse me?” I think that means “fuck off!” in rich pretentious people’s language. He looked at me then Dara, then me, then Dara.... Dude, what the fuck? Are you thinking about using the excuse that you are suddenly gay for me to dump the kiddo? I’m totally not cool with that. Eww gross.

“I can’t let you take Dara.” I swear her eyeballs popped out. I’m surprised at myself too. I sounded like some bad assed leading man in a seriously cheesy chick flick. I think I even sounded like Jacob Black.  

“I can’t let you just use her again for your own selfish schemes. I’ve stood silent all these years watching her break her heart over and over again for you. You never saw her worth. She doesn’t deserve someone like you. You should just leave her alone.” Where did that come from? My mouth must be possessed. Whew... Who wants to get some starbucks coffee? No one? Aishh...

“What rights have you to say this? Are you her father? Brother perhaps? As far as I know you are just her roommate. Isn’t that right, Dara?” Asking for approval. That is how egocentric douchebags are made. Sucks to be you, Lee Minho.

We were both looking at Dara waiting for her answer. Who am I kidding? I know for sure that she’ll side with her prince charming. And he is right. I’m just the handsome roommate. Did I say handsome? Oh, right. I did. High five!

But for some strange reasons, Dara looked more serious today. She wasn’t looking at the guy in the suit with her regular googly eyes. Note: Never watch any of the Twilight Saga again. It does strange things to people.

She stared at him for like an hour. Ok, more like thirty seconds. But yeah....

“You know what? Jiyong is right. I deserve better. I’m not gonna fall for this all over again. It’s about time I move on from you.” He stood there slack jawed in disbelief.

“You can’t do this to me.... you.... I’m Lee Minho... I’m....” a douchebag perhaps?

“A self absorbed prick. That is what you are.” Nice one Dara. I should probably add that to my list of insults.

“Are you seriously choosing that punk over me?” Which punk? Are you talking about me?

Dara raised an eyebrow and put her hands on her hips. Ooh sexy.

“Maybe I am. “ She gave him a good stare from his foot to his self filled head and looked at his date still puzzled. Dara faced Minji  and put her hands over the young girl’s shoulders. “Minkki-ah, if this ahjjushii comes near you again, run as fast as you can. Ok?” That seems like a sound advice. With that, she took my hand and fled the scene.

I don’t know what exactly happened to Minji and Minho after that day. Rumour has it that she dumped a big glass of soda on his Armani before kicking him in the nuts. Rumour has it that Minho flew all the way to HongKong and stayed there, away from too much public humiliation. Rumour has it that Minji is now dating another dance prodigy named Lee Taemin.

Also, rumour has it that Dara is now dating an awesome guy by the name of Kwon Jiyong. And out of all the rumours in rumour history, I bet my family jewels that this one is right.