Choi Minho sat motionless on a cement bench in the communal square. He was wearing an orange colored jumpsuit similar to what everyone else was wearing, spare the sentry by the gate. Men and women were scattered in the square. Some in small groups, others solitary like himself. It was the only place in the correctional that allowed the interaction between inmates of either gender. The rest of the facility was heavily segregated by the white painted barbed fences.
A new face walked over and sat beside him. The newcomer had an androgynous look but he decided that it was a girl since he doesn’t seem to remember the guards clanking the bar gates in the male cells to announce a new occupant. He was never chummy with any of the other convicts so he just let her be.
“Is it a special day or lunch is always that bad?” the new inmate asked. She reminded him of a little child with her strangely boyish charm and wide grin. She had bleached blonde hair fashioned in a boycut.
“It’s always like that, except that on Sunday there’s desert.” They both laughed.
“Amber Liu. Your name?” She held out a hand and he hesitantly shook it.
“Choi Minho. What are you in here for?” If it were someone else it would have been a little off, but since he figured that they were both in equal footing as inmates, it would be alright to ask.
“Would you believe if I said murder? Frustrated murder actually”, she sighed and swept her fringe back.
“I should have made sure that bitch was dead. Next time I’ll keep shooting until I’m sure she’s not gonna walk the earth again with her skank heels.” She noticed Minho looking at her. He had these big dark brown eyes that made you uncomfortable in a weird way once he focuses his gaze on you.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing. It’s just that... you don’t look it” he answered weighing the girl’s reaction.
“Don’t look what? Like a murderer?” The girl chuckled and then leaned back, looking at the perfectly blue sky above them.
“Well, yeah. But who am I to say that? We are in for the same thing. Sort of. Mine is not frustrated though. Homicide. The old bastard was already rotting before anyone called the police. If it weren’t for his stench, they probably wouldn’t even care that he’s dead.”
“You should probably teach me how you did it then. Care to share?” Amber asked while looking up to Minho who was gazing a few feet away from the small cluster of old inmates playing chess.
*****
My dad was a bastard. He most probably still is―in whichever ring of hell he is in right now. I hope they burn him good. I hope they impale him with the sharpest knives they have on a daily basis until the day we meet again.
He was a horrible person. A monster.
I’m not really a saint. In fact I’m just like him. Like father, like son they say.
I think I got from him the inclination for the immoral and taboo.
The difference is the way we handled it.
He was a good father according to my eldest brother Siwon, but that was before Jinri was born. Jinri is four years younger than me. She is a very pretty little girl with milky skin and big eyes just like mine. We all got our looks from Dad, except for noona who is a mirror image of our mom. My Sooyoung-noona...
Anyway, our mom died while giving birth to Jinri. Dad hated her because of that.
I was only five when our grandparents took custody of Jinri in fear that she would die of neglect. Siwon was in fourth grade and they took him in as well since he is their favorite. At such a young age I was left with only Sooyoung-noona beside me, since you can’t really count my father being there that time anyway. He always went home piss drunk and crying Mom’s name. Soojin. Soojin. He would drink some more and then pass out on the floor if he couldn’t make it to the couch. That’s all I remember from my lame excuse of a childhood.
Things became a little better when I entered middle school. Dad stopped drinking and he allowed Jinri to visit us with Siwon once in a while. She is a straight A student and it’s still such a pity that she doesn’t have a father who appreciates her. I sometimes wish that I was her dad instead. Sooyoung could be her mom.
Sooyoung grew up to be so much in the likeness of our own mom. They had the same face shape, the same smile, the same eyes, and she is the only one who got Mom’s ability to comfort me in times that I was afraid of the dark. She was my mother, sister and best friend. Whenever I missed Mom, I just had to look at her and feel at ease that at least a part of her is still with me in Sooyoung. I guess Dad felt the same way too. In his own sick way.
It was when she had to leave for college that I realized that she is the most important person in my life. I didn’t want her to go. Dad didn’t like the idea either, and it was the first time we agreed on something. After all those years growing up with her, I was accustomed to seeing her first thing in the morning and hearing her voice that sent me to sleep every night. It was really unthinkable but I had to bear it. It was only for a year anyway.
That year, I studied really hard for the first time in my life. My nose bled literally one time from lack of sleep and exhaustion. I really wanted to follow her to the university that bad.
Instead of going out with friends, I devoted my time solely to college entrance exam review. Girls―I never really had time. I only had noona and the exam in my mind. Day in and day out, I lost sleep and burnt eyebrows over my books.
I was so sure to get in, so I was really frustrated when I found out that I failed.
It was a good thing that I took exams to a few other schools. It’s always best not to put all your eggs in just one basket, just in case. I enrolled in a college five minutes away from hers.
We shared a small apartment that was actually just a room, a bath and a small space that doubled as our dining area and living room. I was really happy to see her again every day. But at the same time, I was a little green-eyed that she spent more time with her boyfriend Kyuhyun, a senior majoring in Chemical Engineering. He is a nice guy. Don’t know much about him though.
Sooyoung and I were happy in Seoul. Even if it was just the two of us, it was family to me. We get to visit Jinri and Siwon during weekends too. Grandma’s house was just thirty minutes away from our home. It was an ideal scenario. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. But things don’t always turn out that way.
We came back to Dad’s house on winter break. He said he missed us. I tried hard to keep my eyes from rolling. If he missed someone, I’m dead sure that it was not me. Deep inside, I knew that he wished grandma took me along with Jinri and Siwon all those years.
It was the second week of our vacation that grandma called asking if Sooyoung and I can come over for Christmas. Dad was not thrilled with the idea. He never liked grandma, grandma never liked him too. I can’t remember them ever being in speaking terms after Mom’s death.
Dad said one of us can go but he doesn’t want to spend Christmas alone. I was faced with a dilemma. It wouldn’t be a Christmas celebration if I was not with Sooyoung. But I don’t want to be left in that house alone with the old man either.
Being the good daughter and sister that she is, she told me to go and enjoy the holidays with our brother and sister, while she herself will accompany the old oaf in our squalid house. It seemed like I’m getting the better end of the deal so I packed for a one week fete with the better side of our family.
Looking back, I regret not being able to say no to anything she said.
What followed was a hazy blur of holiday binge drinking with my brother, reminding me I actually had one, and good food by our grandma. I thought I have forgotten what real food tastes like because back in the old man’s house, all we ever eat was take out or, if we are extra unlucky, ramen.
I don’t know what time is it in the morning that I started running like crazy in the dark cold winter streets. It was a crazy long drive and I didn’t have much money but I still took a taxi. I had this strange... disgusting... morbid dream. It was so real. And it was. It could have been, if I came too late.
The moment I stepped down the taxi, my worst fears were confirmed.
They say that a man’s body can do wonders in moments of adrenaline rush. My head was still heavy and my body was yet to get rid of the effects of alcohol but my own feet carried me all the way and never stopped until I could see her. Without my brain making any voluntary actions, I found myself dragging my own goddamn father off of my scared and crying older sister, slamming him to the wooden bedpost. He was chunky with beer gut and I was roughly half his weight but at that moment, that didn’t seem to matter.
As to when I got hold of a knife along the way is something that I don’t remember clearly. But what I do remember is that at the moment of his death, our mother’s name is the last thing that came out of his mouth along with the gushing of thick red blood and mixed with his own spit. It only took minutes before he stopped breathing.
I held Sooyoung tightly with my hands that were still soiled with our own father’s blood. But even with my bloodstained hands I was completely at peace. She slept peacefully with the face of an angel who narrowly escaped from the hands of evil.
I regret nothing.
That morning, all that mattered was that she was safely cradled in my arms.
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