He Won't Go

I won't go,

I can't do it on my own,

If this ain't love, then what is?

I'm willing to take the risk.

Like the twenty other times before, Sooyoung was so sure. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again, not this time.

 Some say I'll be better without you,

But they don't know you like I do,

Or at least the sides I thought I knew,

The deal was off. She was kicking Changmin out of her apartment. For a change, he was not complaining or even asking why, unlike the first twenty times she broke up with him. He was packing his own things now. One by one. Piece by piece. It's amazing how his existence that has caused Sooyoung so much heart and headache could be reduced to a knee-high box of clothes and other things that the home owner dare not inspect for her own sanity. Last time she gathered his mess in her place, she found a ridiculously huge stash of porn and a loaded gun; perfect accessories to the living room of a pre-school teacher like her. She should have known better than to date him in the first place anyway. His mere presence spells trouble and she had been harboring trouble in her apartment three years too long.

He had to go. At least that's what all her friends and family said.

She didn’t ask where he would head. He always headed back to one of his stupid exes who never seem to learn their lesson.

She didn’t say goodbye. Neither did he. They bade farewell way too many times before. The mere word ‘goodbye’ might have been the jinx to all their premature breakups in the past. But today, it was final. Out of her apartment. Out of her life.

He just took his things and headed out the door. He looked back once but Sooyoung didn’t see because she was busy asking herself if she did the right thing.

I can't bear this time,

It drags on as I lose my mind,

Reminded by things I find,

Like notes and clothes you've left behind,

“Changmin, you left … you left some of your stuff.” That was all she was able to say before she was cut off by a woman’s voice. It was Yoona. It wasn’t really a big surprise because she was most desperate for Changmin’s attention among his countless rebounds. She literally barricaded the door with her body the last time Changmin and Sooyoung made up.

“Don’t dare call him again. Are you sorry now for kicking him out? Do you have any idea of what he is going through? Do you know how…” Then the line went dead. She immediately took her battery off. Presumably, Changmin caught Yoona answering his phone and he will surely return her call―a scenario that she wasn’t ready to face as she just realized five seconds ago.

I heard his voice today,

I didn't know a single word he said,

Not one resemblance to the man I met,

Just a vague and broken boy instead,

“Sooyoung”, his voice seeped through the speaker and instantly her nerves were firing a million clashing messages to her brain. Why didn’t she remove the home phone’s cord? Should she have called him again? What if Yoona picked up? What if the letters were important to him? Why does she still care?

“I know you are there. It’s a Saturday. You’re probably washing clothes in the machine right now or cleaning the table spotless. I… I need that mixed tape. Can you drop it off at Yoona’s? …But if that’s too much of a hassle, I’ll just pick it up” A long pause allowed her to notice that she had not been breathing the whole time.

“I miss your apartment” were the last words she heard before the line went dead. There were no tears in her eyes but she felt a familiar pull in her gut and the temperature dropping at the ends of her limbs. She stood frozen staring at the receiver. I should have picked up. No. Yes. No. I don’t know.

The washer stopped turning.

But I won't go,

I can't do it on my own,

If this ain't love, then what is?

I'm willing to take the risk,

A mixed tape, a few more of his clothes and a handful of official looking letters all lie neatly piled on the passenger’s seat as Sooyoung drove slowly, windows rolled down, on a Sunday morning. The radio was playing trot music but her heart was thumping off beat.

Hand on the steering wheel, head in the clouds (or was it in her apartment along with the memories of Changmin?), she waited for the traffic lights to signal go but it was taking forever and a queue was starting to build up behind her yellow compact. The black sedan tailgating her was honking every five heartbeats. A woman was yelling at her wailing toddler in the car parallel to her right. A heavily pimped out car crunked loud hip-hop music like a rolling boombox stuck on this intersection.

The cacophony broke her short catatonic trance so she decided to roll up her windows to keep the racket out. As soon as the lights turned green, the silence grew too loud for her to block out her own thoughts. Even the trot music wasn’t as distracting as it seemed before. Then she wished to be trapped again before a red light among noisy motorists.

She glanced at the empty passenger seat and saw the mixed tape atop the clothes and envelopes. She popped it in her player out of sheer jitters and a little curiosity of what could be in it to be so important to Changmin for him to specifically want it back whilst forgetting about the letters and clothes he left behind.

The music began to play and in an instant Sooyoung was transported back to the day they met. It was the song playing on that fateful rainy night she was stuck in a convenience store without an umbrella and Changmin happened to pass by and took pity at her soaked and stranded look.

Her way to Yoona’s place was laid with background music, each song reminding her of a special event in her life connected to the man she had just thrown away because of everyone’s advice. It was well meaning advice. Yet her heart just couldn’t take the logic of it all.

There will be times, we'll try and give it up,

Bursting at the seams, no doubt,

We'll almost fall apart and burn the pieces,

Changmin was a good man when he was with her. He might be a hoodlum to the eyes of the people around her but she was certain that if nothing else, he loved her more than life itself. Yes, she has witnessed him screwing up here and there but she always believed that he was trying to straighten up for her. To his credit, he hasn’t been in any real trouble for six months now. The last time he was in trouble with the police was when he beat up a pervert who made a nasty comment on her. She had to bail him out after a night of staying at the station. His delinquency and girls who wouldn’t leave him alone casted a bad light on him.

Their on and off relationship had nothing to do with the women who were constantly throwing themselves at him. It had more to do with the fact that Changmin could never hold a steady job. Finding one is hard enough for him in the first place. In the span of their three year relationship, he has held three different jobs. Each of them lasted only for a month, and then he somehow finds a way to get fired.

The first one was as a shopkeeper, but he got into an argument with the shop owner who then laid him off. The next two were as a bouncer and a promodiser respectively. He was fired for no clear reason in both jobs. The rest of his days, he spent on Sooyoung’s couch surfing channels on the cable television she paid for and eating the food she earned money for and made. This of course raised questions from among those who cared for Sooyoung.

And watch them turn to dust,

But nothing will ever taint us,

She didn’t expect Yoona to be as civil as this. Changmin was not around and she even offered Sooyoung coffee as they sat down in the living room.

“Sorry for yelling at you. I didn’t mean to…” Her voice was soft and apologetic compared to the other times they have met. Had it not been for Changmin, Sooyoung thought, they would have made good friends. Yoona was a nice girl who was only a few months younger than herself. What she didn’t understand is why this girl cling to a no-good like Changmin even if he clearly only remembers her when he needs a roof above his head.

“No. It’s ok. I understand. I’ll just leave his things and be on my way. Tell him I didn’t read the letters. They’re all here.” She handed over the pile of things she collected in her own apartment, the last tangible remnants of her relationship with the man that divides her and the girl in front of her.

“You shouldn’t have brought the letters. He’ll burn those anyway.” Yoona took the legal sized envelopes and shoved them in a bin.

“Why? I mean, what are those letters?”

“Those are rejection letters from different companies he has applied to.”

So he has been looking for a job after all.

“He’s really frustrated with it. I told him it’s normal for people like him but I’m sure that someone will accept him.” The younger girl darted her eyes to the coffee table as if to avoid meeting her company’s questioning gaze.

 “What do you mean people like him?” Sooyoung was perplexed. She felt bile rising up her throat with the notion that she must have misjudged things somewhere along the way.

“You mean, you don’t know?” There was bitter amusement and a smug look on Yoona’s face.

“Changmin has served a five year term behind bars. He was released shortly before you met him. He had a hard time finding a steady job since he is always laid off every time his employers find out his criminal records. He isn’t really a bad person. You know that right?” She looked at Sooyoung’s eyes looking for a confirmation.

“He makes mistakes but he always tries to make it right. They just don’t give him a chance.”

Should I have had given him a chance?

“Maybe I’m just a little to biased and attached to him because he saved my life once. I was going to commit suicide. I would be dead by now if only he didn’t stop me. I owe him more than he owes me. I would willingly dedicate my life for his charity but that idiot only has eyes for you.” A bitter laugh.

“Yet you still accept him?”

“If I don’t, who will?”

I should. I should have. Of all people, it should be me. But I was a fool who didn’t know better.

Will he, will he still remember me?

Will he still love me even when he's free?

“Aren’t you afraid of what your parents and friends would say? Like you know, how you don’t have a future with me. And that you could do better.” Changmin held her hand as the other steered the wheel. The mixed taped played as they headed back home. The knee-high box sitting behind them.

“I am. I really am. But I’m not afraid to be afraid. As long as I’m with you.”

For the twentieth time, Sooyoung is slowly driving back home after confronting one of Changmin’s rebounds. Just like all the times before it has been a shaking experience. Just like the other times before she is driving slowly with her man in the passenger seat and a smile on her face. But unlike all the times before, they were sure that this is the last.

'Cause he won't go,

He can't do it on his own,

If this ain't love, then what is?

We're willing to take the risk,

I won't go,

I can't do it on my own,

If this ain't love, then what is?

I'm willing to take the risk.